Good Interns are worth their weight in Gold . . .

Bad interns are incredibly annoying pains in the ass. Since we like to make money on the backs of young, unsuspecting "talent" -- we tend to have a lot of interns meandering through the building on any given day. (I would prefer less if you couldn't tell already.) Like good employees, a good intern is a precious commodity. When they are resourceful and take direction well, they are remarkably helpful. On the other hand, a sucky intern is a waste of time and energy -- and, their internships don't end soon enough. Is that kid still here?

Now, some interns can't help that they are stupid or lazy. But, at least, in some cases, they know this. Interns are supposed to begin an internship knowing they don't know anything. That's the right way to begin an internship.

The wrong way -- begin the first day by telling your Supervisor (otherwise known as the unfortunate S.O.B. assigned to your sorry ass) all the things they (or the company) might do a little better. Tell them your way of doing things. Tell them just how lucky they are that you're here to help. Act like you know everything and everybody else is stupid! Such interns are, of course, God's gift to the Industry. Society is desperate for their most brilliant contribution. Where have they been all our lives? How did we ever drive a successful business without them? And, when they leave, how will we ever go on? (Cue the song from "Titanic.")

We've had a few of the worst kind -- stupid, lazy and, all the while, STILL thinking they are God's gift to humanity -- EYE ROLL!!!!! I am posting an email dialogue with one such intern -- who was fairly worthless while he was here and didn't have a clue -- obviously still doesn't.

He had this really irritating way of feigning interest and seemed to think it worked on me. But, he was so insincere, you could read right through him. And, he had this way of second-hand bragging. Yeh, I don't care. Go away.

He wore his jeans too low. One time, he was stretching and revealed his entire stomach and about 4-inches of plaid boxers while I was talking to him about a project. EYE ROLL. I get the feeling he's been told how attractive he is one too many times. Yes, please, stretch more often, so I can see your skinny, bony white midrift.

And, why are you stretching? Is this boring you?

He always did this weird thing with his hands, too. He would place them together so that they made the shape of a diamond in front of his stomach -- very intellectual. Then, he would do a slight bow and back out of my office, like he was the butler. Again, the over-the-top "at your service" crap. He would duck in and out of my office every day to ask if he could do anything. But, then he never really did anything -- even when I did have projects for him -- everything was half-assed. Again, he really didn't mean, "Do you have anything I can help you with today?" That was just what he was "supposed" to say.

And, he always left at exactly 4:00. We were in the middle of a shoot one time and he just got up and left. Didn't say a word, just stopped operating the teleprompter and left. Where's the time card and punch-clock, buddy?? You can't hold on a couple more minutes (Cue "Titanic" again.)

And, oh the stupid things he said to me, to my boss. He just wasn't a good intern. He didn't even finish his internship. And, he wanted a recommendation letter -- "not that he really needed one." Because, people were already quite interested in his work, blah, blah freaking blah. Not that he asked politely for a recommendation either -- he just sort of demanded it. Guess once he left a couple days BEFORE his last day, he was done disengenuously kissing company ass.

Since he left a few days earlier than anyone expected, I needed him to send me a document he still had in his possession. Nothing big, just some list I had him type up while he was here.

Email #1 to Stupid-Ass Intern from me: (read between the lines)
Hope you are doing well! I didn't realize that you were working from your laptop when you were here. I actually still need the "list of leads" document from you. You gave me a hard copy, but I never received an electronic format. (I had mentioned this to you before you left and you never gave it to me like I requested -- oh, and you left unannounced.) Can you advise?

His Stupid-Ass Response:
I've got a bunch of things I can send over, however I am still waiting for the letters of recommendation. I'll work on getting some files together for you in the meantime.

Email #2 to Stupid-Ass Intern: (read between the lines)
(WHAT?!?!?!? Are you seriously insinuating you will be gathering files UNTIL we send a recommendation letter. Smells like blackmail.) I spoke with [Bossman] -- he plans to contact you (but not give you a recommendation, because you suck. Plus, blackmail is never the way to secure a recommendation, you little jerk.) . He has been very busy after returning from Mexico on business. It is common practice to consider work done on company time, be it as an employee or as an intern, as company property. (Oh, and it would have been nice for you to tell us about your last day, so we could secure these documents from you before you left.) So, please forward the documents to my email at your earliest convenience.

Stupid-Ass Response:
While that may be the case, nearly all of the work that I did was done on my unpaid time on my personal equipment. I too am very busy, and as I said, will send them to you as I can. Have a good night.

Email #3 to Stupid-Ass Intern:
In the case of your internship, unpaid time and personal equipment does not impact the ownership of those documents. (Plus, noone asked you to use your stupid laptop -- you did that so you could sit around and do personal crap on company time -- and it was unpaid, because it was an unpaid internship.) Withholding them will not expedite or positively impact your receiving a recommendation. (Again, blackmail -- just not a good idea.)

Stupid-Ass Response:
I am not withholding them or attempting to use them as leverage. As you said, you have a hard copy. Currently, I am NOT on company time, and am in fact working on several other projects. Lecturing me or threatening me will not expedite or positively impact your receiving the leads.
As I said, I will get them to you as soon as I can. I don't think you can really ask anymore of me, can you? Again, have a good night.

Email #4 to Stupid-Ass Intern:
(Very Pissed) I am not threatening you -- your performance as an intern is what ultimately impacts your recommendation (and your performance sucked, so you're NOT getting one). Your other emails seemed to imply you might be withholding the documents (that's what you intended to do, and it was pretty damn obvious) -- but, since you have cleared the confusion for me (i'm going to patronize you now), I will wait patiently (sarcasm) for them. Ironically, in the time we have spent emailing one another, you might have been able to forward the document to me already. (But, you are so incredibly busy with your incredibly important long-awaited contribution to society.) Anyway, when you have a moment . . . . (you're an idiot)

Summary --
So unbelievably SMUG! Unpaid, Company Time, Personal Equipment -- You're a freaking intern! You don't have equipment, you don't have an office, you probably won't get paid -- you don't have a job -- you're an intern!!!

He responded again, because he's an idiot. I thought, I'm not arguing anymore with this little jerk. Is this the kid who was so respectful of me, he was bowing in and out of my office (insincere as it might have been)? Now, he's trying to blackmail us into giving him a recommendation. Which, by the way, when choosing blackmail, make sure you have something the company can't just have another intern do after you're gone. Because, you're not indispensable. You're an intern!!

'Nuf Said.