Verbal Plagerism

Did you ever work with someone who doesn't know a damn thing except how to regurgitate useless information back to you or someone else? He may even use the same exact words that came out of your mouth only moments before. Sometimes he is repeating back to you, which is confusing. Other times, he is repeating something you might have said to him when noone else was around.

Usually, you aren't around to catch this verbal plagerism. Because, it is intended to take what you know and make it appear the product of his own profound genius. The worst part is everyone thinks he is so f-ing brilliant, because he knows something that he actually didn't know until you just told him about five minutes ago.

I also just love it when that same guy throws out useless information as a sort of distraction from the fact that he is a complete moron. His strategy is this: If he can act like he knows something that noone else knows or cares to know, then chances are noone will look it up. They'll just take his word for it, because he seems so confident and because they don't care that much anyway. So, they walk away thinking he is a friggin' genius, when in fact, he doesn't know anything. He's just really good at faking it.

My favorite was the other day when we were discussing Columbus Day, and somebody asked when it was. And, he answered -- October 12th. I looked at him like he had lost it, because I was just wondering how you can remember an exact date of a random holiday like you're Rainman, but you can't find your ass from a hole in the ground. Then, everyone was in wonderment over the fact that he knew -- everyone except me because I was so unbelievably annoyed. I started wondering, When is Columbus Day, really? So, I looked it up, and this year, it's Oct. 9th. Not a big deal, right? WRONG! It is a big deal, because you just told everyone it's Oct. 12. The only reason you know it's even in October is because you love vacation. So, you remember every day you could potentially sit around doing nothing at home instead of sitting around doing nothing at work. But, you didn't really know the exact day! You just let everyone think you did. Meanwhile, everyone now thinks it's the wrong day -- so, really, you're spreading your stupidity.

He uses the art of diversion in other ways, too. Take a staff meeting, for example. When asked to give a progress report, he pauses for a very long time. The boss is waiting for an informative answer. The rest of us are just waiting to hear what sort of bullshit he's going to conjure up this week.

What sort of reasons are you going to present for not getting anything done AGAIN, EVER!?!?! The rest of us can predict the way you always answer questions at staff meetings. But, you can't seem to predict your own behavior -- even though you are CONTROLLING IT, you moron! You seem just as suprised by the question as you did the last time you heard it at the last staff meeting. You think you'd prepare your bullshit, but that would require work. And, everyone knows you don't do that. So, you try a spontaneous response. But, when you can't come up with a good enough one, you resort to Plan B. You don't exactly remember what Plan B is. But, then you do! It's DIVERSION! You ask a question or more than one, perhaps completely irrelevant. The boss takes the bait, because he is often easily distracted anyway. Everyone looks confused. You're even a little confused. But, then the boss forgets what he asked in the first place. Distraction! It's like sending out a decoy while you make you're getaway in the other direction. It's the way you stay employed -- your bread and butter. The thing is -- most of us see right through it.

"So, when is Columbus Day?" you ask. "Is that a paid holiday?" "Hmmm, what do you think?"

In my mind, I vehemently reply: "October 9th." "For you, every day's a paid holiday." "You're an idiot."